A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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