Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
