Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Dignity is for republicans.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize