I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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