mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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