So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
