Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
