He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
