just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
