he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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