omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
