Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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