Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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