i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
