just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
