There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
