Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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