i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
