On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I wear drunk well.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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