I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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