Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
