Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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