How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
