i may or may not be watching the land before time
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
