well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
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