yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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