I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
