these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
