cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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