What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
