I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
