you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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