I have demons in me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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