Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
