Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We have so much sex to catch up on
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
