I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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