those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
