you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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