Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
