That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
