how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
