Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You need a sexual gate keeper
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
