i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
