The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
