Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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