I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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