I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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