she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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