dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
