No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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