I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
