So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
