I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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