Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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