mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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