This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
