I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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