theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
