He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize