yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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