omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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