that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
