According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
