did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
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