508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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