Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize