Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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