Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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