Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It's just like the Real World with babies
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
