Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
