Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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